random insanities

wow... I have been away for a while...

2007-04-10T16:39:27Z

holy shit... I guess I HAVE been gone for a while, haven't I? when did lj change things this much?!? ah, well... it doesn't matter, really... I was just curious... after all, it's been a little over 4 months since I last wrote in here and I wasn't sure I was going to remember how to even add an entry (which I didn't at first) then I find it's all changed around anyway. obviously I figured things out, though...
so... there's been a lot going on... not that anyone really reads the drivel I write anyway, but I figured I'd tell a bit about what's been up with me. well, for a while there my computer had a terrible virus that kept me off-line. I did get rid of it, but now I'm getting slammed with adware and spyware. and I mean SLAMMED, literally... I have so much shit in here that I'm having trouble keeping up with getting rid of it. I haven't been visiting any of the forums I joined because I don't know much about this sort of stuff and I don't want to infect anyone or any sites with this problem. a lot of my programs, especially the IM ones, don't work right or at all, except for yahoo! and even that doesn't always work well. so my computer is STILL a mess as far as that goes. hell, my internet was just down for 4 days, but that was Verizon's doing (which I had to call tech support tohelp me fix it). I also need more memory in here to get things running right, but I don't have time or money for that right now. actually I was thinking of not upgrading this old dinosaur and just getting a new one, but that, too, will have to wait.
last time I was talking about a fight I had with Kevin... you know, I don't even remember what it was for, besides money, so my entry had told me. well, things are a tiny bit better in that department. a little... though we were going to use some of the money from our tax return to do some things here in the house. some of the money went to the taxes for the property and whatnot and then the rest we were going to use to put new carpet up the stairs, in the hallway and bedrooms up there and to paint the upstairs bathroom (since my in-laws got us a much needed new medicine cabinet for a housewarming present). well, I may still be able to paint, but I think the carpet is out now. Saturday our water heater sprung a leak (the day before Easter, which was also my birthday... how nice) and Kevin went out to buy a new one on Easter Sunday. he got one and they said they install them any day of the week EXCEPT Easter Sunday. nice... so we just had to spend the day turning it on for showers and doing dishes and turning it off the rest of the time until they came to install the new one yesterday. so I've taken to calling it my $700 birthday present... you do what you have to... but now other things have been put on hold because of it and that just sucks... I was really looking forward to new carpeting... *sigh*
anyway, like I was saying, the money situation is a little bit better. I got a new job working from 5-10PM on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights in the deli at Weis Markets. Kevin got a part-time job there, too, along with his full-time job. he works the same hours as I do on Wednesday and Friday nights and then whatever hours they give him on the weekends. so yeah, we don't see each other a lot, but the bills are starting to get caught up from when I was out of work for that time. however, now it's going to take even longer to catch up with the cost of the water heater and I had missed a week and a half of work a few weeks ago because I was so sick. that was my own stupid fault... when we moved in here, we put all the stuff that had that horrible mold smell from our old apartment (all the stuff that was in the bedroom, which was what had smelled so damn bad) in the basement. it was so much that we had just a narrow walk-way the length of the basement to get back to the washer and dryer and the rest was all boxes and bags just thrown rather willy-nilly all over the place. Kevin was saying for a long time that we needed to take a day we were both off and clean it up. well, the one Sunday he had off, I was feeling ambitious, and since he was feeling lazy and not too willing to do it, I cleaned the basement myself. and when I did, I stirred up all those damn mold spores and, since I wasn't wearing a mask, got just as sick if not sicker than I'd been in the apartment. so don't let anyone ever tell you that mold can't make you sick because it can. anyway, I missed a lot of time from that and I still feel off. I guess it'll take time to improve, that's all. it'd be better if I could get all that stuff and just throw it out, but I can't or we wouldn't have anything, including most of our clothing...
I got side-tracked a little... what else is new... anyway, so my new job... I like it to a point. it wasn't hard to catch on for me (like it was for Kevin) because it was pretty much the same type of stuff I did at Blimpie, like taking care of the soups, the dishes, slicing on a slicer... the pay is okay, too. a lot better than what I was paid at Blimpie and it's more hours. the problem is working till such a late hour sucks for me because then I'm too wound up to sleep at night until very late and I'm getting up really early to get Keaton to school. and it's physically taxing... especially Monday nights because the pizzas we make (from dough balls, yet, not a pre-made shell) are on sale really cheap and we're so busy that it's not even funny. one Monday night, in just a few hours, we had made 30 pizzas! that's a lot, believe me, and there were so many people wanting lunchmeat on top of it and few of us working. it's a madhouse sometimes... then I can't sleep at night no matter how tired I am because of the adreneline that's still rushing so I'm ALWAYS tired. pretty much all I've been doing is eating, sleeping and working. the rest of the time I'm just relaxing if I can since I still have one little one at home yet. needless to say, this is another reason I haven't been around the people and places I used to go (including on-line) because when I'm not at work or sleeping, I've just been feelign really tired and very anti-social. after having to wait on some of those picky, annoying idiots that some in there at night, the LAST thing I wasnt is to be around or speak to people...
but it's not always that bad... last night, aside from being a blessedly slow pizza night, we had a little mini party for my birthday! the one woman I work with, Donna, and I have become pretty close friends and she knew it was my birthday on Sunday. so yesterday she asked one of the people in the bakery to make her up 2 cupcakes... and they were so good! they were strawberry flavored with strawberry flavored icing! yummy! one of them they'd put this little plastic sign in the top that said "happy birthday" and they both had these plastic rings in the icing as decoration... one was a big purple flower (my favorite color!) and the other was a big pink butterfly! it was comical because I ended up wearing them later on, hahaha! I ate one of the cupcakes and she and the other guy we worked with, Mac (who's a helluva nice guy!), shared the other one! then she decided to take a couple of slices of the pizza (we sell it by the slice, too) and put some turkey lunchmeat on the top, heated it up a little and the 3 of us had some pizza! it was nice to have something like a mini party! I was kind of afraid that people would forget my birthday this year since it was on a holiday, and to a point a lot of them did... it was an okay birthday, I guess. Kevin got me new gold hoop earrings since my others were breaking, the kids got me the next 2 volumes of Angel Sanctuary I needed (one from each) and Kevin took me for sushi the night before (since he didn't think they'd be open on Easter). my mom and her boyfriend came down on my birthday for a little bit and my mom had gotten me a little bamboo plant, which I suspect was a last minute thing since she'd gotten it at the grocery store here in town that very morning... and my in-laws got me a card... just a card with nothing else... mighty white of them... that kind of pissed me off since each of the kids got $10 in their Easter cards and I got squat for my birthday... selfish as that sounds, but that upset me because I feel like i was partly forgoten by people. so that mini party that Donna had set up really lifted my spirits a bit. I wasn't too happy about turning 34 in the first place, so that really did a lot to help lift my spirits.
ah, I better run... my ramen noodles are done so I need to eat, I haven't done anything about getting ready for work yet (hey, I need that make-up on!) and I really want to take a nap. my monthly "friend" is due soon and I get so tired right before it comes. so... hopefully I'll be better about posting entries in here, but I wouldn't hold my breath. there just never seems to be enough hours in the day anymore...

'twas the fight before Christmas...

2006-12-04T12:50:06Z

why is it the holidays can either bring out the best or the worst in people? this whole weekend was just awful. all Kevin and I did was snap at each other, which I suppose is normal when two people are both excessively stressed out and one of them is at the peak of PMS. but then yesterday we had a major blow-up... since then we've hardly spoken to each other at all. oh, we're being pleasant, just not talking much. and this morning he left without saying his usual... it's not that I think he all of a sudden despises me, I just don't like the fact that he left without saying it. of course, I didn't say it either, so... I mean what would happen if one of us left the house without either of us saying "I love you" and got into a horrible accident and died? the other would feel just racked with grief and guilt, "I didn't get a chance to say goodbye! I was so mad I didn't say 'I love you' and I should have! now it's too late!" amist a barrage of tears. so I guess my point is that no one should ever fight that badly that they don't feel like saying "I love you" to their better half when they leave the house or before they go to sleep at night. you never know what can happen... I'm sure this is something we'll work through, we always do. we've fought worse than this. but I'm tired of the one saying, "we should talk about this..." to fix things. unfortunately, if I left things up to Kevin, they'd never get fixed. his theory is that if you ignore a problem, it'll go away. yeah, my in-laws did a real good job of raising him. I swear they're a couple of idiots. so if I didn't say, "hey, lets talk and fix things", he'd just not talk to me much until he got over it, then talk to me as if nothing had ever happened. that's so STUPID!!! the problem is still there! and besides, just because he doesn't have any more ill feelings doesn't mean that I don't. and, of course, just like every married couple, the stresses that cause the fights are all related to money, or lack thereof. in my case, I know he's stressed and worried about it, but he doesn't ever seem to realize that I am, too. and I can tell him a million times that I feel the same, but he always forgets by the next time things blow up. *sigh* you know, if I were to be asked for advice from someone who doesn't know what to do with their life, I'd tell them, "DON'T get married". my views on marriage are piss-poor. in actuality, I didn't want to ever get married... I suppose this is why when I'd run into people I knew back in high school and told them I was married and had 2 kids, they looked shocked. I never actually told anyone that I didn't want to get married, I guess they just assumed. they thought I'd just go through life being the promiscuous feminist, never tying herself down, having a man living under the same roof, never having kids... I guess they thought I'd live alone, that I'd have a man in my life but not have him live with me so I could throw his sorry ass out when I was sick of his company. in all honesty, that's what I wanted, actually... but at some point, I figured I needed to do more with my life than that, so I got married and had kids. don't get me wrong, I love my kids dearly, but sometimes I wonder if it was fair for them to be mine. don't they deserve better than a mother who sometimes thinks that getting married was the biggest mistake she ever made? maybe... or maybe I'm just really upset with Kevin and not thinking very clearly... who knows...

another new look^^

2006-12-01T21:16:32Z

I really must stop getting bored with how things look... yet again I changed the look of my journal for no reason whatsoever. I just got tired of the color scheme and the header pic. this time I went with REALLY muted colors. and the header... I used this pic (the same on as my avatar here!) because for some reason I've had quite a fetish for it lately. I know not a lot of people like tetsu's indies look, but there's something kind of endearing about it. hey, I grew up in the era of the "big hair bands" after all! that's what was popular when I was in high school... Motley Cure, Poison, RATT... all bands that used about 3 bottles of hairspray on their hair every day and put on their make-up by grinding it into their pores with a floor buffer... and everyone's hair stood out about 10 feet from their heads (yes, even mine hahaha)so I suppose I just find it comforting to see him with big awful hair and way too much make-up. I think this one is my favorite indies pic of all... "strike a pose" just seems to fit the feel of it!^^ tetsu gone vogue!
normally I wouldn't associate anything of Madonna with tetsu... but you'll have to excuse me, I'm a little overmedicated at the moment. stupid cold...
finally today I feel a little bit better. not that it'll stay that way. this morning at 5AM it was 65 degrees out (F)! I have no clue what that is in celcius for those who use the metric system... anyway, it's damn warm for the first day of December! it's been warm since a few days before Thanksgiving, which after a cold spell is why everyone's been getting sick around this area. now after these storms hit tonight as the cold front moves in, the temperature is going to drop 20 degrees! unbelievable! see, this is why we all get colds so bad... stupid weather doesn't know what season it is...
this weekend I go out job hunting (I hope). I'm not sorry I quit Blimpie after how much of an ass my boss was to me, but we're really feeling the pull of going from two incomes to one. I don't want a shitty job, either. it doesn't pay for me to be working at a job that even a monkey could do. my brain tends to wander too much when it has nothing else to keep it occupied, and that's a BAD thing... but until both the boys are in school full time, I have to settle with the only evening jobs I can get... all of them boring, shitty little jobs that any dumb fuck could do. well, I'm sure I'll figure something out, I always do. it's just that sometimes I forget that.
hey, it's December 1st today! Christmas time! I wish I felt as happy about it as I usually do, but I'm just falling in that funk. the last few years it's been the same thing. everyone gets me shit I don't want, don't need or don't like (or all of the above). what is so hard about asking someone what they want so that's what you can buy them?!? and if they don't want to go out and buy what you want, they could give you the money to buy it yourself! the last few years my mother hasn't asked me at all what I want, so I usually tell her. usually it's something I NEED, not just want. and every time, she tells me, "oh, I already got yours! I think you'll like it!" so this year when she said that, I said, "it's clothing, isn't it...?" which she said it was. I told her I didn't actually need clothing. the truth is, I have so much that I have a lot packed away, my closet is stuffed to the gills, the same as my dresser drawers... does it sound like I need any more clothing?!? every year I tell her I don't need it, but she buys it anyway, and I don't wear it very often because it's either ugly or I just don't get around to it because I have so much other shit to wear! then you have my mother-in-law who gets me beautiful things that I'm afraid to put out... having lead crystal hurricane lamps is nice, but I have a little boy and a toddler in the house along with a psycho cat that likes to knock things over. the only one who gets me what I want is Kevin and that's because I say "I saw this on-line and I want that" and he says, "then go ahead and order it". it may take the magic out of it, but at this age, I just want what I want, that's all. so I feel a lot less than jolly this year. that, too, will change. it does every year...
obviously tetsu is feeling festive!^^

I feel like I'm on the Titanic...

2006-11-28T22:09:09Z

I feel like I'm on a sinking ship lately... I also feel like I'm going through menopause... wtf?!? can losing an ovary really make you feel menopausal? or am I just hormonally challenged at the moment? well, I'll find out tomorrow when I go to my doctor's appointment. and lucky me, my kid decided to pass his cold onto me. so now I'm sick as a damn dog and I'm constantly sneezing. you know, I don't see that as a good thing considering what I have to have done tomorrow...
sometimes I get the impression that everyone expects me to be happy all the time and if I'm not, they don't want to be around me because I'm a "downer"... well, here's reality for you, people... LIFE is a bummer!!! it's not always sunshine and rainbows. maybe it is for some, for others life is just a big pile of shit, and for most life is somewhere in the middle. mine happens to be on a bad path at the moment, that's all. I have no job, the bills are piling up from when I was out for that month and it's seeming impossible to make ends meet at all at this point. and it's when you need them most that your friends and family seem to bail on you... or at least they do in my case. you think you know who your friends are, then you find out the hard way that you didn't really have a friend in them in the first place.
case in point of this... for quite some time now, I've been having a bit of a dilema concerning a friend that I feel betrayed me in a way. this person used some of my work and claimed it as their own. I'm sorry, but just because you modify it in some way doesn't give you the right to claim all the work as your own. that would be like me having an image of a Van Gough painting on my computer, slapping a border around it and saying it's an original work by me... it would not only be very vain of me to do so, but it would also be very idiotic and just plain wrong of me. you can't put a smile on the Mona Lisa or change a few words in "War and Peace" and claim it as yours! that's what this person pretty much did to me. the original work is still there and is the main basis of it... how can you claim it as yours and yours alone? I felt so betrayed by this. I don't do well with theft of anything that's mine ever since my stepbrother was sneeking into my room when I still lived at home and was thieving things. he never got in trouble for it, so it just pisses me off when someone takes what's mine or what I worked hard on and then takes all the credit for it. the worst part is that I don't know how to tell this person. I don't want to start a big deal... I've got enough problems as it is and I'm too old for that shit. all I would have liked was for this person to ask before they used and modified my work and at least given me credit for doing the main base of the work. I don't know if it would do me any good to bring it up anyway. if this person has so little scruples that they would do this in the first place, would they even give a shit if they were so horrible as to take credit for work they didn't even do? probably not. I have no clue what to do or how to approach the subject, but I'll be damned if I'm going to sit idley by and let someone claim my work as theirs. I just have to figure out the most diplomatic way to do this before I just go off half-cocked.
anyway... in happier news... we got a digital camera! so now I can take better pics of my work to display, which I'm happy about. in fact, I was so happy, I decided to try it out. I took some pics of my work, one of them the same as the avatar I use, the pic of me as a kitty licking tetsu bunny. the original is in black and white because I didn't want it colored, but the graphics program I have is pretty descent, so I decided to see what all it could do and came up with this:

a colorized version of my avatar pic. I think it turned out kinda cute! ^^

tension breaker...

2006-11-18T05:11:10Z

Spongebob to Patrick: Well, Patrick, I was going to ask you if you wanted to go jellyfishing, but I can see you're busy having an episode... hahahaha... for some reason that line just cracks me the hell up! this is what I get for watching Spongebob late at night when I'm tired... silliness takes over. but I really need the stress relief. there's been way too much going on here that makes me think if it weren't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all. all I want is to have things go back to normal with me, but I'm so hormonally whacked out since the surgery. that and I'm harboring this deep seated resentment of the day manager for not doing her job of taking out that heavy bag of garbage. had I not taken it out, I might still have my ovary. I can't help but despise her for that. and now my boss is being a real ass to me and I wonder if she said something to influence him. I just don't need this shit. so I've got another job lined up that I hope I get. I've got my letter of resignation with all the reasons for WHY I'm quitting all ready to go. the reasons, btw, being that I can't work for someone who tells me he was "nice enough" to hold my job for me while I was out that month. I was just galled! who the fuck does he think he is telling me something like that?!? "nice enough" my ass... legally he HAS to keep it open for me to return to. besides, it wouldn't have happened if it weren't for work! there were other things that he said, too that were just awful. he treats the day manager like she's the cream of the crop, puts her on a pedestal, and never reprimands her. stupid thing is, we all see it, we all complain about her. yet he does nothing to change that. so... what's the deal here...? what, is he fucking her?!? I want to ask him that in the worst way, but I'll just satisfy myself with quitting...
well, I do have some good news... or I guess it's good... I made a website. it's nothing special, especially since it's still in the beginning stages, but it's coming along. I'm still not sure why I made it exactly. I suppose I just wanted a place to call home... somewhere to be silly, display my artwork, blahblahblah... maybe I'll post the link when it looks better^^

yet more silliness!^^

2006-11-08T18:18:37Z

and more silliness! ^^
<td align="center">Your Theme Song:

"Loser" - Beck

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<td align="center" style="background: #FFFFFF; color: #000000;">Kim's Reason for Travelling Back in Time:

To be a storm-trooper extra in Star Wars

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Your darkest secret is:	You can sing all of the words to thriller

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</td>
</table>
<td> <table border="0" width="450" bgcolor="#000000">

You will go to jail for:	Accidentally burning an American flag

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</td>
</table>
<td> <table border="0" width="450" bgcolor="#000000">

Your arch-nemesis is:	Orson Welles

Why?	Because they stole your screenplay and pawned it off as one of their own
The winner will be...	They already have too many arch nemeses, so you are on their friends list.
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</td>
</table>
<td align="center">

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After you die...
Parallel Universe

After death, you will continue to exist as if nothing has ever happened. You will continue to be yourself, but because you are in a parallel universe, some things will be different. You may not have married the same person, you might live in a different spot, but you will be the same person underneath it all and you will continue your life unaware that you ever died.

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<td align="center" style="background: #000000; color: #FFFFFF;">Kim's Random Movie Quote:

'Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she had to walk into mine.'

- Rick, Casablanca

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<td align="center">

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The Picto-Personality Test

You are a person who is very calm and kind. You go out of your way to help people who need your help.

When alone, you appreciate being able to do nothing if you want to, and setting your own pace for things.

You are romantic, and when you are with your partner you like to woo them with your imagination.

In the future you will be happy and live richly.

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Kim's new nickname is:

"Merlin"

'What is your new nickname?' at QuizGalaxy.com

<td align="center">You should have grown up during the twenties

You are cool, sophisticated and hip – even by today’s standards. You like things before they are considered cool, and you like them long afterwards.

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Kim is mostly likely to say the out-of-date phrase:	I’m gonna open up a can of whoop-ass
To:	Edgar Allen Poe

Why?	Because they were lying on the ground and didn’t want to get up
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</td>
</table>
<td> <table border="0" width="450" bgcolor="#000000">

You will take over Togo using only green contact lenses

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</td>
</table>
<td align="center"> You are Reversegirl.
(Your alter-ego is Kim)

Your super-hero ability:

Shake with rage

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	Your super-secret codename is:
	Your mission is... Prevent the impending apocalypse

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<td align="center">You are Napoleon

Power hungry and unpredictable. You like to always be in charge, and you don’t like to listen to other peoples opinions very often. You set incredibly high goals for yourself and often achieve them.

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<td align="center">You are John Bender from the Breakfast Club

You are tough and like to annoy people. You are into drugs and making your principal look like a loser, and at the same time win the heart of the Prom Queen.

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these things are WAAAAYYYY too addicting! ^^

more silliness! ^^

2006-11-08T16:57:23Z

damn, these things are addicting!

Who will you Assassinate?

Satan (the coolest deity in the universe... and you killed him... you must DIE!)

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What's your secret fear?

Cucumbers

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You are a vampire!

You are suave and seductive. Eternal life is yours and you never tire of coming up with crazy ways of amusing yourself and others. Sometimes, however, your taste for blood comes in the way of friendships as you are constantly turning your friends into vampires.

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Your dominant emotion is ANGER.

You are predominatly angry. You tend to fly off the handle at almost nothing and explode in rage when something bad actually happens.

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NicoleE's Nickname Generator

Sassy Molassy

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What will your next lover's career be?

WWF Wrestler

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What is your food nickname?

Hamburger

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What band are you?

you are a rock band!

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Kim's Past Lives

367 BC: Crazy Heretic

630 AD: A religious radical

1650 AD: A sailor

'What were you in your past lives?' at QuizGalaxy.com

just silliness^^

2006-11-08T16:24:55Z

just some random silliness! ^^
<td align="center"> Kim --
[noun]:

A hard-core grave robber

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<td align="center"> Kim's synonym --

genius (... as in endowment!)

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<td align="center"> Kim's Amazing Mental Ability ...

You can turn trout into guns, and occasionally grenades

(Remember ... with great power comes great responsibility!)

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<td align="center">

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'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

omg, I'll be terribly missed by the Muppets!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

this should be good!^^

2006-11-08T15:59:49Z

I've been tagged! ^^

ABC's

A....Act your age? heaven's no... wtf for? that would make me feel old!^^

B....Born on what day of the week? Sunday

C....Chore you hate? I dunno... probably cleaning the cat's litter box

D....Dad's name? to me his name is dickhead...

E....Essential makeup item? concealer! gotta have that!

F...Favorite actor(s)? Cary Grant, Robert Redford, Michael Douglas

G...Gold or Silver? gold

H...Hometown? Bath

I....Instruments you play? piano and flute

J....Job title? I make sandwitches at Blimpie... so I guess I'm a pee-on, lol

K....Kids? 2 boys... Keaton is almost 7, Korey is 3 1/2

L....Living arrangements? the bowels of hell (aka living with a husband, lol)

M....Munchie Food? cheddar cheese flavored pretzel bites, sesame snacks^^

N....Number of people you've killed? literally or figuratively? muahahahaha

O....Overnight trips to Las Vegas? for a week back in April, 1997

P....Phobia? spiders, heights and what's in the dark... o__O

Q....Quote you like? "I live in my own little world, but it's okay, they know me here."

R....Religious affiliation? agnostic

S....Siblings? an older sister

T....Time you wake up? 5:15AM during the week

U....Unique habit/quality? I bite my thumb when something's troubling me

V...Vegetable you refuse to eat? cauliflower and tomatoes... both make me feel sick to my stomach

W...Worst habit? smoking

X....X-rays you've had? omg, more than 20 I'm sure

Y....Yummiest food you make? Christmas cookies! and I make good veal parmesean!

Z....Zodiac Sign? Aries

sigh

2006-11-07T04:26:59Z

I'd love to do this right now... just go and pop some people right in their stupid heads...
maybe I'm missing something... is the power of a title that fucking grand? I never liked being in the position of holding a title, having power over others. power and title = responsibility. even if I didn't have all the responsibility that I do with a family and a home, I still wouldn't want the power of being in a high position. what the hell for?!? something goes wrong, and guess who's fault it is? it's YOUR fault because you're the fucking moron who wanted to feel important. so to me, I think that having a title sucks. am I wrong for that? so many other people seem to strive to earn a title... so maybe I'm the oddball? they say "absolute power corrupts absolutely"... this is what I'm facing at the moment. you give someone a title and it goes to their head... and eventually they think they're God. then you have me... all I want to do is do what I have to, no more, no less. yet somehow I get stuck in a position of the same kind of power without the title and the few fringe benefits that go with it. I don't want the responsibility, it was just foisted upon me. and I couldn't say no... now I've got more responsibility than I want, and dealing with the power hungry with the swelled head syndrome to boot. which, unfortunately, puts me in the position of defending people and their rights. I do try to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders somtimes... my problems, my wants and needs, it all gets forgotten in light of others who need something. that's just my nature... and I wish to God it wasn't. somehow I have a feeling that this is all going to turn out bad in the end. I feel like I'm fighting against Hitler, trying to keep us all from becoming part of the Nazi regime. why are some people like that? my God, power isn't supposed to be abused like it is! what the hell is WRONG with people? it's people like these that make our world a horrible place to live in! they push you around, try to intimidate you, take credit for something that someone else did... it really destroys any faith I had in my fellow human beings. today I'm just feeling totally disgusted in the human race in general. I've been dealing with some of this shit for a while now, and I've just completely had it... perhaps I should consider making a few changes in my life... sometimes you need to stand and fight and other times you need to know when to retreat. I'm just not sure which I want to do just yet...
oh well... I'm sure it'll come to me... it usually does.

my virtual pet ^^

2006-11-06T00:44:44Z

OMFG!!! this is CREEPY!!!! o__O

2006-11-03T04:14:16Z

creepy!!!! just like kyo, lol! I had to use this av for the occasion of creepiness...
while searching for pics of silk fans, I found this wonderful website that is based in Japan and sells a lot of wonderful things!!! well, there's also a section with a bit of a cultural lesson, and it was there that I found something excessively creepy!!!! this was taken from the "everyday scenes" section:

At temples and shrines, you often see tables with lots of numbers written on them (see the pictures). That's probably the list of "yakudoshi"(critical or unlucky ages). According to Japanese folklore, people at the ages of yakudoshi are prone to experience misfortune and calamities. Although there are local and historical variations, the common saying is that for men the ages 25, 42 and 61, and for women 19, 33, 39,are deemed critical years. Among these, ages 42 for men and 33 for women are called taiyaku (most unlucky) and are considered to be the riskiest of all yakudoshi. Also, the year before yakudoshi is called maeyaku, while the year after is called atoyaku, and precaustion is advised for these years. To avoid bad luck, lots of people go to shrines and temples to be "exorcised". (I had that done when I was 25!) It's all superstition, of course. BUT it MAY not be so farfetched as to be simply dismissed as ridiculous because many people do seem to go through some kind of physiological transition or experience deterioration in their health around yakudoshi ages. I really don't know if all this is valid or not. You be the judge! Incidentally, the numbers 42 and 33 are phonetically unlucky numbers as well. The number 42 can be read "shini", which is homophonous with the word "death", and 33, when prounounced as "sanzan", means "miserable".

now the creepy part... when I was 19 (one of the bad years for women) I had an injury and had to have surgery on my knee... then just last month I had that sugery to remove my ovary... and I'm 33, what they consider the most unlucky age! I was so creeped out when I read this! makes me afraid to turn 39! I think I need to be taking a trip to Japan before I hit my 39th birthday, find a temple and get "exorcised"! ^^ hahahaha...
either way, I don't think that seems like superstitious nonsense... but I'm a bit of a superstitious person in nature, so...
and just because it's a really awesoe site, here's the link should anyone want to go visit!^^
http://www.jun-gifts.com/
I could spend hours here learning the culture and shopping! ^^

my going rate...

2006-11-02T16:10:53Z

hahahaha... this was strange...

I am worth $1,388,434 on HumanForSale.com

updates...

2006-11-02T16:04:50Z

well, it's been a month since the last time I wrote, so updates are in order ^^ I guess I'll start with the most obvious one first which is the look of my journal! I decided it was time for a change... pink was getting on my nerves! my tastes change too often, hahaha... so I decided this time to go with an Asian theme! I've especially found a love for silk fans... not that I haven't always thought they were beautiful, but I'm just really getting into them atm^^
so I suppose I should tell everyone where I've been... I feel bad because I haven't exactly been too social for a while, but there's a reason for it. for a few months I wasn't doing too well, as I think I wrote earlier (but I could be wrong on that) and it all came to a head about 4 days after my last entry... I was at work, throwing the garbage into the dumpster. it was really heavy, so I had to grab both ends and swing it up and into the dumpster. after I had, I got this awful pain and I thought I just pulled a muscle, no big deal. well... it WAS a big deal... it kept getting worse and worse until it woke me up at 3AM and I had such awful pain I just wanted to die. I woke Kevin and told him he had to call my mom to watch the kids and he had to take me to the ER. by the time her and her boyfriend got here, it was unbearable. so I got to the ER and everyone was on top of me all at once with all these questions, jamming IVs into me... I was getting pretty scared. well, as it turns out, I had an ovarian cyst bigger than my fist, which had ended up twisting my ovary. needless to say, they had to rush me into surgery because this had caused my ovary to burst and there was a lot of blood in there. and the poor thing had turned black and died, so they had to remove it. I was in the hospital for two and a half days and came out with a big incision, very sore, and feeling not quite myself. and I still don't. I guess I'm going through some of the depression that hysterectomy patients experience... it's not fun. but at least I'm still here, so I suppose I should just be grateful for that ^^ and I'm healing slowly but surely. plus after a month's leave I get to go back to work starting Sunday! thank God! I'm going stir-crazy here at home!
I've got WAY too much free time on my hands...

A very crazy weekend...

2006-10-02T03:56:21Z

it's been a while since I wrote... well, I've been having some "difficulties", so I haven't been feeling up to babbling. and aol is giving me a hard time... I'm beginning to wish I'd never told them I wanted their dsl deal. until it goes through, they've given me nothing but trouble. it's people like them that make me understand what the hell the uni-bomber was thinking...
so this weekend was nuts. our hamster died so we decided this time Korey could pick out the new one. he was telling me for days he wanted to name it Ed (like Ed, Edd and Eddie's Ed). I was hoping to talk him out of that, but now we have a panda bear hamster named Ed, lol. we went to the mall to pick him out, but before we did, I wanted to stop at Waldenbooks... I ended up getting the volume of Angel Sanctuary I needed (and I must smack Kaori Yuki-you killed Kira, you bitch!)the first volume of Descendant's of Darkness AND the latest volume of NANA!!! plus I ordered the next one I need of Fushigi Yugi! that was a good time! but I felt like hell the whole way through the mall...
so on top of my feeling like shit... this morning I woke up to find my idiotic cat puked all over both my sketchbooks!!! all that hard work ruined!!! I can't even begin to describe how pissed I was! still am... but Kevin was a sweetheart and went out to buy me a new one this afternoon. but still... not only are a lot of my drawings ruined, but I had about half of the newest sketchbook left to use! I told her I was going to take it out of her hide... I may... skin her and use it for a bookcover for my sketchbook... she's going to have to do some MAJOR sucking up just to get me to take her to the animal shelter and NOT take her to the Chinese place and sell her by the pound! any way you look at it, I'll never forgive her, not for ruining my art...
ah, skip it... I'm probably bringing you guys down or scaring the shit out of you with my talk of skinning my cat... so time to jet...

just a bit of FYI....

2006-09-15T10:58:21Z

okii... I need to clear something up... I can't tell you how many times people look at me like I'm insane because I listen to "Miko Miko Nurse" over and over... I admit, I'm so not normal (as if I'd want to be!) BUT... I have my reasons. to which I realized last night! I've been so stressed lately and I just wasn't feeling like myself... yet when I listened to that song, I got more cheerful! it's so silly, so perky, so... absolutely stupid!!! it cheers me up because it's just so slap-happy perky it makes you want to bop around dancing like a fool to it! good stress relief to bop around like a fool... so there you have it, my reason for liking something others seem to think completely retarted! ^__^
I've been having a real tough time with things lately... I've had a problem that's quite scary to me and it seems to be getting more and more stressful. yesterday, that all came to a head. I spent a good portion of the afternoon going on and off these tearful tirades. I was a mess... still am. trust me, no one wants to have to go through this... in any case, I've been so upset by everything and you know what they say, when it rains it pours. this was one of those times... on top of this awful stress, my wonderful kid has decided to share his cold with me. I left for work in the pouring rain and was just about to leave town when I realized I had only one cigarette left in my pack and no money on me to buy more... great... but all was not lost because was pay day and figured I'd just go cash it and buy a pack. so I follow this tri-axle dump truck all the way to work, being blinded by the rain and all the water the truck was kicking up at me... by the time I got to work, I was barely holding it together. I walked in to have my manager tell me "omg, I fucked up the register big time". I thought she was just exaggerating... she's never done anything like that before... I asked her if the paychecks had come in and she said no!! my reaction: "great... this day just keeps getting better and fucking better!" then I went in the back and had a little breakdown and cried buckets. I felt bad though for doing it when I found out she really did mess things up pretty bad... still not as bad as my problem, but the one she made helped me forget it temporarily since she was just about in tears herself for making such a fuck-up.
it's raining here again... apparently there's a hurricane out in the ocean and we're getting a ton of rain from it. I wish it would stop. rain makes me sleepy! besides, our backyard hasn't recovered from the last time we got a lot of rain and still looked swampy to begin with. and the creek at the back of our yard looks like you could go white water rafting in it... thank God it's a lot lower than the yard or we'd have a major flooding problem!
yes, when it rains it indeed pours... literally... for the past two days anyway...

you know it's going to be a strange day when...

2006-09-13T12:50:37Z

you know it's going to be a weird day when the last song you listened to before bed was "Miko Miko Nurse" and the first one in your head when you wake up is "I love you, I need you, I fuck you"... o__O
and then be informed your cat hurled on the upstairs hallway carpet... again...
so I think I'm done for the moment with my journal construction! YAY!!! I'm actually pretty proud of myself since usually I look at the HTML shit, scratch my head and go, "huh?!? wtf?!?" just the simple fact that I got things like the background, the header and the font color changed was amazing enough... BUT... I also changed the font itself and the size!! this is much easier on my eyes... I couldn't read it well the other way. my eyes aren't too good and that small print for me was like reading the bible (which also had microscopic print). not that I make it a habit of reading the bible because I don't. I'm not religious. but I've thumbed through the pages...
I'm sure I'll feel the need to change this again when the mood strikes me! I get tired of the same look when I've had it too long... I'm constantly changing avatars, signature bars, the wallpaper on my desktop, my hair color, how I dress... sometimes I move big heavy pieces of furniture all by myself just because I feel it's time for a change in how the house looks... stupid thing is, I'm a creature of habit! but there's just certain things I need to change all the time. I don't make any sense, lol!

under construction...

2006-09-13T04:44:34Z

so sorry... my journal is undergoing a bit of construction... I felt it was time for a change! but until I get it all done, this place may be a bit of a mess... why does this not surprise me? I'm really disorganized an sloppy when it comes to certain things. I suppose my journal is one of them.
so the new look comes with more strange little doodles from that insane asylum I call a brain! "kitsu kitty and tetsu bunny"! hahahaha... I am the evil licking kitty that likes to lick tetsu, or that was the joke one day! so now I really am that evil licking kitty! I think the pic is cute! poor tetsu... his face is so comical! but I think mine would be, too, if someone just grabbed a hold of me and licked my face! hahahaha!
and as always, my theme seems to be pink... pepto bismol pink... along with a few other shades!
well, I should haev this place up and running smooth soon... I hope... ^___^

oh blah...

2006-09-12T18:28:59Z

it just seems to be one of those days... you know, the kind where you feel all alone, like you haven't got a friend in the world, like no one gives a shit about you... hey, just because I'm married with a family doesn't mean that I can't have those days. sometimes it's just hard being me. I often wished my brain worked like everyone else's. no meds to take so I can deal with things, to make my brain funcion as normal... but that just wasn't meant to be for me. so instead, I smile a lot, act like I'm all happy and cheerful when all I really want to do is cry. there's no reason for my wanting to burst into tears, not usually. just part of the condition. well, that and trying to act like I don't have a problem... I feel cursed sometimes. and it's not like I can tell anyone... if I do, they'll think I'm a downer. normally I don't give a rat's ass what people think of me, but when it gets to the point where people think you're too much of a bummer to have around and try to avoid you, you know you've got a problem... so inspite of the temporary downer I'm on at the moment, I'll hold my head high and smile, be bubbly... even if that's the last thing I want to do...

GAH!!! I've been TAGGED!!!!! lol

2006-09-08T15:42:40Z

*was tagged by banana-chan!*
Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.

How are you feeling today?
*WHITE OUT (somehow I think that's not a good thing)*

Will you get far in life?
*shinkirou (this is getting weird...)*

How do your friends see you?
*flower (awww)*

Will you get married?
*Snow drop (????)*

What is your life’s theme song?
*bravery (that's very fitting!)*

What is the story of your life?
*Round and Round (how did it know? lol)*

What was high school like?
*I Wish (no, I don't think so...)*

How can you get ahead in life?
*peeping tom (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)*

What is tomorrow going to be like?
*milky way (ooo... will tetsu be involved, too?)*

What is the best thing about your friends?
*shizuka ni umi de (they feel heavenly!!)*

What is in store for the next weekend?
*Blurry Eyes (omg, I don't wanna know)*

What song best describes you?
*milky way 2005 (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!)*

How is your life going?
*Promised land 2005 (damn, devils are still walking in strawberry fields in my life!!!)*

What song will play at your funeral?
*In the Air (oooooh, cool!!!!!)*

How does the world see you?
*kaze no yukue (this is how the world sees me?!?)*

Will you have a happy life?
*finale (oh, now you KNOW that can't be good...)*

What do your friends really think of you?
*hitomi ni utsuru mono (awww)*

What song describes the person you’re attracted to?
*DARK song (omg, does this refer to Kevin or tetsu? lol)*

What message would you like to tell the next generation?
*REVELATION (YEAH!!!!)*

Do you have a deep dark secret?
*SCARECROW (okay that was odd)*

just some random insane ramblings...

2006-09-07T03:56:44Z

at work, there's these two gay guys that come in quite often... I love the gay guys... as soon as they're gone I have to comment to my fellow workers, "I love the gay guys!" to which I get the reply, "I know you do!" hahahaha... they're just so nice and kind and funny... so easy to talk to! just goes to show that when you're female, gay guys make better friends than other females sometimes...
although Friday night, I met a new female friend! the one guy Kevin works with loves sushi! he and his wife go to the same restaurant that I enjoy, so we all made plans to go to dinner! it was really fun! I over-ate and drank too much plum wine, but I had a blast! and I got along very well with this guy's wife... not to mention the fact that with her open-mindedness, I think I can corrupt her... muahahahahahaha... and another J-Rock fan will be born!!
it's so quiet on-line tonight... usually I'm up very late talking, but tonight it seems I'm the only one on... I'm not sure what to do with myself, lol! it's too quiet! hahahaha! well, if it weren't for me having a download to do, I don't think I'd be on. either. I'm really tired... and if that stupid cat of mine keeps waking us up tonight and I lose sleep again, I'm going to kick her fuzzy ass!
but I do have something to do... I've got a picture to draw... I should go work on that! ^__^

EEEEEVIIIIILLLLLLL!!!!

2006-09-01T17:53:13Z

You Are 52% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.
Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

my Japanese name...

2006-09-01T17:33:37Z

Your Japanese Name Is...

Yoshiko Inoue

What's your Japanese Name?

am I mature...?

2006-09-01T17:27:27Z

You Are 62% Grown Up, 38% Kid

Congratulations, you are definitely quite emotionally mature.
Although you have your moments of moodiness, you're usually stable and level headed.

How Emotionally Mature Are You?

really? I think these numbers should be switched!

kitsu_69 @ 2006-09-01T13:15:00

2006-09-01T17:19:37Z

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

wow! I'm a visionary! o__O